Create Your Own Sunshine

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I’ve never been so utterly impressed with the universe until recently – until my world shifted and I gave up on my feelings.

Sometimes it takes a moment of pure despair and abandon to open 64852up to possibility. That’s a lot to take in, I suppose, coming from someone who’s as bubbly and positive as I am.

I’ve had my moments, too, y’know.

I’ve been brought down to the point of giving up on love and a “successful” future for me to really have my eyes opened. I had to get to the point of not wanting my heart anymore. No more feelings. No more love. No more expectation. Just toss it all aside and live as some semblance of a person with nothing but my children’s future ushering me forward.

Everything just hurt too much…

but instead of giving up like so many who turn to the noose do, I looked up at the sky and cried out to the Higher Being that I always believed was there – the one that I never questioned – and He answered…over…and over…and over again.

In my mind, I made the decision that life would be between me, God and my kids. Whatever heartbreak I just experienced would be my last. My dreams and aspirations would only be flashes of ideas in my mind when I closed my eyes at night… but that was going to be good enough, because I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. I would wake with a sense of peace because no one was going to ask anything of me that I couldn’t live up to. I’d go to sleep with peace because I’d know my babies are healthy and they could see their mama laughing and letting loose of all her stresses that made her the temperamental, cranky woman she so often was. In my mind, I would be alone but I would be happy. Life would be colder but I’d create my own sunshine.

But the universe had other ideas.

I suddenly had the sun on my back in the form of a best friend. I looked out my window whispered a prayer, and within a week, had a place to go. I looked at the grass on the side of the road, whispered a prayer, and I was blessed with multiple opportunities to make income. I looked up at the sky, whispered a prayer, and my children didn’t hate me for the decisions I had to make.

The universe was listening to me, and without actually doing anything, life fell into place all around me. I wasn’t alone, like I thought I would be – like so many had told me I would be. I wasn’t sitting in the dumps, so dirt-poor that I couldn’t feed my babies. I was able and willing to put my heart in the hands of one of the few people in my lifetime I came to fully trust…and it wasn’t shattered. I fulfilled one of my longest-kept dreams just this past week – I saw Glacier National Park.

It turns out the universe isn’t just some deep, dark thing in existence with planets and people and life. I believe it has a heart, a mind and a desire to help those who open their eyes to it – who regard it as a being rather than just the place we all exist.

Since I have regarded the universe in a different light, I’ve changed. I’ve grown to know fear so well that I’m no longer afraid of earthly consequence. I’ve known enough pain to be numb to any sting or burn that might touch me from the people who wish to tear me down. Whatever happens from here on out is moving me forward and up. But if it so happens that I fail at my second chance, I still can’t feel more fear or know more pain than I have in my life so far. That’s the mindset I think people need to find and settle on when they’re down in the dumps or uncertain of what’s to come. That’s the way of thinking that will keep anyone moving forward.

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